The Jewish Wisdom Database

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The hardest thing in the world to understand, is income tax.

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered?

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.