Displaying quotations 1 - 25.
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
Never go to bed mad - Stay up and fight.
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses.
He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring
us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
Insanity is hereditary; you can get it from your children.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it
everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are
busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.
I refuse to join any club that would
have me as a member.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening.
But this wasn't it.
Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.
Vote for the man who promises the least; he'll be the least disappointing.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out.
If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
As long as the world is turning and spinning,
we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that
if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs,
you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very
opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least
think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive.
I've had great success being a total idiot.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the
world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing
is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
The most aggravating thing about the younger generation is that I no longer belong to it.
He who limps is still walking.
Ninety percent of the politicians give the other
ten percent a bad reputation.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives
teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling
them to sit down and shut up.